Computer Scientist | Machine Learning & Security
 
 
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D A D   J O K E S

SOME OBSERVATIONS FROM REAL LIFE ...

– Additional worthy contributions are sought –

 

  • Education is a cure for ignorance, not stupidity.

  • Why didn't God get tenure? He only had one publication.

  • Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting weak?

  • Why do banks charge a fee on "insufficient funds" when they know there aren't enough funds?

  • Sleep is nothing but a Caffeine substitute.

  • There are two kinds of pilots. There are old pilots. There are bold pilots. But there are no old, bold pilots.

  • Gardening Rule: When weeding, the best way to distinguish between a weed and a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out easily, it was a valuable plant.

  • The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.


Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.

  • There are two kinds of pedestrians:-- The Quick and the Dead.

  • An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.

  • Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which to die.

  • The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

  • Give a person a fish and you feed him for a day; teach that person to use the Internet and he won't bother you for weeks on end.

  • In the '60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

  • How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box of them to start a campfire?

  • The most powerful force in human nature is inertia.

  • The first law of Thermodynamics in academia is the conservation of inertia.

  • A No answer is acceptable, no answer is unacceptable.

  • Those who jump off a bridge in Paris are in Seine.

  • A backward poet writes inverse.

  • A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.

  • Dijon vu - the same mustard as before.

  • Practice safe eating - always use condiments

  • Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.

  • A hangover is the wrath of grapes

  • Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.

  • Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

  • Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.

  • Reading while sunbathing makes you well red.

  • When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I

  • A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two tired.

  • What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead giveaway.)

  • In democracy your vote counts. In feudalism your count votes.

  • She was engaged to a boyfriend with a wooden leg but broke it off

  • A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

  • If you don't pay your exorcist, you get repossessed.

  • With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.

  • When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.

  • The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

  • You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.

  • Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.

  • He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key.

  • Every calendar's days are numbered.

  • A lot of money is tainted - It taint yours and it taint mine.

  • A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

  • He had a photographic memory that was never developed.

  • A plateau is a high form of flattery.

  • A midget fortune-teller who escapes from prison is a small medium at large.

  • Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

  • Once you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a mall.

  • Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis.

  • Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.

  • Acupuncture is a jab well done.

  • Does a clean house indicate that there is a broken computer in it?

  • How come we never hear any father-in-law jokes?

  • ~4 year old driving in a car with his dad: "Dad, where are all the 'GO' signs?"

  • (2003 ALCS) Whose curse is worse? Chicago or Boston?

  • A favorite oxymoron: I just submitted my First Final draft of my thesis.
     

The core problem of life: Those who hurt you are the ones you love.

The core problem of computer security: Those who hurt you are the ones you trust.

  • Think BEFORE you click send.

  • Wife to husband: "Do people ever really change?"; Husband to wife: "Yes, when they decompose."

  • A 10-year old, 4th grader's report on soda: "Soda in school? Awesome. Soda is liquid candy. It is well known soda rots your teeth and gives you stomach eggs. But you can make a lot of money on the sales."

  • A visitor to Rome: Rome has 6 million residents, 2 million cars, and 1 million parking spaces.

  • A resident of Rome: Rome has 3 million residents, 4 million cars, 2 million cellular phones, and 500,000 parking spaces.

  • You can't trust dogs to watch your food.

  • Never sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.

  • Puppies still have bad breath even after eating a tic tac.

  • Raising teenagers is like nailing Jell-o to a tree.

  • Reason to smile: Every seven minutes of every day, someone in an aerobics class pulls a hamstring.

  • Families are like fudge, mostly sweet with a few nuts.

  • Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.

  • The more you complain, the longer God lets you live.

  • Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.

  • If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days, you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.

  • If you can remain calm, you just don't have all the facts.

  • Life's golden age is when the kids are too old to need baby-sitters.

  • You know it is time to reassess your relationship with your computer when you laugh at people with 28.8 modems.

  • And if that is not enough, you ought to know it is time to reassess your relationship with your computer when you start using smileys :-) in your snail mail.

  • You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.

  • I wonder how much deeper would the ocean be without sponges.

  • Despite the high cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular?

  • Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.

  • Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along without it.

  • Accept that some days you're the pigeon, and some days you're the statue.

  • I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.

  • If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

  • Money can't buy happiness. But it sure makes misery easier to live with.

  • Nothing in the known universe travels faster than a bad check.

  • But...bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

  • Vital papers will demonstrate their vitality by moving from where you left them to where you can't find them.

  • Always remember to pillage BEFORE you burn.

 

The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody appreciates how difficult it was.

  • It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as warning to others.

  • Ray's Law: You can't fall off the floor.

  • Paranoids are people too; they have their own problems. It's easy to criticize, but if everybody hated you, you'd be paranoid too.

  • Eagles may soar, but weasels aren't sucked into jet engines.

  • If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

  • A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

  • Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

  • For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.

  • Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.

  • To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.

  • You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

  • The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.

  • A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

  • If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.

  • Change is inevitable....except from vending machines.

  • Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.

  • Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

  • Borrow money from pessimists-they don't expect it back.

  • If you mixed vodka with orange juice and milk of magnesia, would you get a Phillip's Screwdriver?

  • Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?

  • Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

  • If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

  • If being disgruntled means being unhappy, does that mean a gruntled person is happy?

  • Why do women wear evening gowns to nightclubs? Shouldn't they be wearing night gowns?

  • If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

  • When someone asks you, "A penny for your thoughts," and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny?

  • Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

  • If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?

  • Why do croutons come in airtight packages? It's just stale bread to begin with.

  • When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?

  • Why does a ship carry cargo and a truck carry shipments?

 

Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist, but a person who drives a race car not called a racist?

  • Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?

  • Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?

  • If horrific means to make horrible, does terrific mean to make terrible?

  • Why isn't 11 pronounced onety one?

  • "I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence?

  • If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked and drycleaners depressed?

  • Do Roman paramedics refer to IV's as "4's"?

  • Why is it that if someone tells you that there are 1 billion stars in the universe you will believe them, but if they tell you a wall has wet paint you will have to touch it to be sure?

  • If people from Poland are called "Poles," why aren't people from Holland called "Holes?"

  • Some people would give their right arm to be ambidextrous.

  • I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

  • OK, so what's the speed of dark?

  • Bacteria, they're the only culture some people have.

  • Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

  • The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.

  • Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.

  • Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

  • Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.

  • I intend to live forever-so far, so good.

  • If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

  • I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.

  • I love defenseless animals, especially in a good gravy.

  • If I worked as much as others, I would do as little as they.

  • What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

  • My mechanic couldn't repair my brakes, so he made my horn louder.

  • Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

  • He who hesitates is probably right.

  • Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.

  • The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.

 

The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.

  • Two wrongs are only the beginning.

  • The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

  • Don't sweat petty things....or pet sweaty things.

  • If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.

  • Love may be blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.

  • Attempt to get a new car for your spouse - it'll be a great trade!

  • Everybody repeat after me....."We are all individuals."

  • I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

  • Death to all fanatics!

  • Half the people you know are below average.

  • 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

  • 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

  • He who laughs last, thinks slowest

  • Why did the chicken cross the road? Well, Click here to find out what some famous people think!

  • Just in time for Y2K.

  • Word smithing from the Washington Post.

  • Some new concerns for the Baby Boomer Generation. Click here to find out!

  • Some recent cute bumper stickers seen around Washington, D.C. lately.

  • Some true stories from the desktops of the HELP DESK!

  • (Paraphrased and a true story) Conversation by a group of 11-year old boys sitting in a car on a long boring ride: "Doo-doo, chips, dung, dump, fecal matter, feces, excrement, BM, bowel movement, doodey, poo-poo" They came up with 19 words...I can't remember them all...I was laughing too hard after they asked:  "So if there are so many ways to say BM that are ok to say, then why can't you say 'The S Word'?"

 
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