D A D J O K E S
SOME OBSERVATIONS FROM REAL LIFE ...
– Additional worthy contributions are sought –
Education is a cure for ignorance, not stupidity.
Why didn't God get tenure? He only had one publication.
Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting weak?
Why do banks charge a fee on "insufficient funds" when they know there aren't enough funds?
Sleep is nothing but a Caffeine substitute.
There are two kinds of pilots. There are old pilots. There are bold pilots. But there are no old, bold pilots.
Gardening Rule: When weeding, the best way to distinguish between a weed and a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out easily, it was a valuable plant.
The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.
Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.
There are two kinds of pedestrians:-- The Quick and the Dead.
An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.
Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which to die.
The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
Give a person a fish and you feed him for a day; teach that person to use the Internet and he won't bother you for weeks on end.
In the '60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.
How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box of them to start a campfire?
The most powerful force in human nature is inertia.
The first law of Thermodynamics in academia is the conservation of inertia.
A No answer is acceptable, no answer is unacceptable.
Those who jump off a bridge in Paris are in Seine.
A backward poet writes inverse.
A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.
Dijon vu - the same mustard as before.
Practice safe eating - always use condiments
Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.
A hangover is the wrath of grapes
Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
Reading while sunbathing makes you well red.
When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I
A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two tired.
What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead giveaway.)
In democracy your vote counts. In feudalism your count votes.
She was engaged to a boyfriend with a wooden leg but broke it off
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
If you don't pay your exorcist, you get repossessed.
With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.
When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key.
Every calendar's days are numbered.
A lot of money is tainted - It taint yours and it taint mine.
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
A plateau is a high form of flattery.
A midget fortune-teller who escapes from prison is a small medium at large.
Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
Once you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a mall.
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis.
Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.
Acupuncture is a jab well done.
Does a clean house indicate that there is a broken computer in it?
How come we never hear any father-in-law jokes?
~4 year old driving in a car with his dad: "Dad, where are all the 'GO' signs?"
(2003 ALCS) Whose curse is worse? Chicago or Boston?
A favorite oxymoron: I just submitted my First Final draft of my thesis.
The core problem of life: Those who hurt you are the ones you love.
The core problem of computer security: Those who hurt you are the ones you trust.
Think BEFORE you click send.
Wife to husband: "Do people ever really change?"; Husband to wife: "Yes, when they decompose."
A 10-year old, 4th grader's report on soda: "Soda in school? Awesome. Soda is liquid candy. It is well known soda rots your teeth and gives you stomach eggs. But you can make a lot of money on the sales."
A visitor to Rome: Rome has 6 million residents, 2 million cars, and 1 million parking spaces.
A resident of Rome: Rome has 3 million residents, 4 million cars, 2 million cellular phones, and 500,000 parking spaces.
You can't trust dogs to watch your food.
Never sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
Puppies still have bad breath even after eating a tic tac.
Raising teenagers is like nailing Jell-o to a tree.
Reason to smile: Every seven minutes of every day, someone in an aerobics class pulls a hamstring.
Families are like fudge, mostly sweet with a few nuts.
Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.
The more you complain, the longer God lets you live.
Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.
If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days, you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.
If you can remain calm, you just don't have all the facts.
Life's golden age is when the kids are too old to need baby-sitters.
You know it is time to reassess your relationship with your computer when you laugh at people with 28.8 modems.
And if that is not enough, you ought to know it is time to reassess your relationship with your computer when you start using smileys :-) in your snail mail.
You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.
I wonder how much deeper would the ocean be without sponges.
Despite the high cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular?
Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.
Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along without it.
Accept that some days you're the pigeon, and some days you're the statue.
I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.
If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
Money can't buy happiness. But it sure makes misery easier to live with.
Nothing in the known universe travels faster than a bad check.
But...bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
Vital papers will demonstrate their vitality by moving from where you left them to where you can't find them.
Always remember to pillage BEFORE you burn.
The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody appreciates how difficult it was.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as warning to others.
Ray's Law: You can't fall off the floor.
Paranoids are people too; they have their own problems. It's easy to criticize, but if everybody hated you, you'd be paranoid too.
Eagles may soar, but weasels aren't sucked into jet engines.
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.
To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.
You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.
Change is inevitable....except from vending machines.
Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.
Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
Borrow money from pessimists-they don't expect it back.
If you mixed vodka with orange juice and milk of magnesia, would you get a Phillip's Screwdriver?
Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
If being disgruntled means being unhappy, does that mean a gruntled person is happy?
Why do women wear evening gowns to nightclubs? Shouldn't they be wearing night gowns?
If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
When someone asks you, "A penny for your thoughts," and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny?
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?
Why do croutons come in airtight packages? It's just stale bread to begin with.
When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?
Why does a ship carry cargo and a truck carry shipments?
If horrific means to make horrible, does terrific mean to make terrible?
Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?
Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?
If horrific means to make horrible, does terrific mean to make terrible?
Why isn't 11 pronounced onety one?
"I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence?
If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked and drycleaners depressed?
Do Roman paramedics refer to IV's as "4's"?
Why is it that if someone tells you that there are 1 billion stars in the universe you will believe them, but if they tell you a wall has wet paint you will have to touch it to be sure?
If people from Poland are called "Poles," why aren't people from Holland called "Holes?"
Some people would give their right arm to be ambidextrous.
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
OK, so what's the speed of dark?
Bacteria, they're the only culture some people have.
Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.
Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.
Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.
Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.
I intend to live forever-so far, so good.
If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
I love defenseless animals, especially in a good gravy.
If I worked as much as others, I would do as little as they.
What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
My mechanic couldn't repair my brakes, so he made my horn louder.
Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
He who hesitates is probably right.
Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.
The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.
Two wrongs are only the beginning.
The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
Don't sweat petty things....or pet sweaty things.
If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.
Love may be blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.
Attempt to get a new car for your spouse - it'll be a great trade!
Everybody repeat after me....."We are all individuals."
I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
Death to all fanatics!
Half the people you know are below average.
99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
He who laughs last, thinks slowest
Why did the chicken cross the road? Well, Click here to find out what some famous people think!
Just in time for Y2K.
Word smithing from the Washington Post.
Some new concerns for the Baby Boomer Generation. Click here to find out!
(Paraphrased and a true story) Conversation by a group of 11-year old boys sitting in a car on a long boring ride: "Doo-doo, chips, dung, dump, fecal matter, feces, excrement, BM, bowel movement, doodey, poo-poo" They came up with 19 words...I can't remember them all...I was laughing too hard after they asked: "So if there are so many ways to say BM that are ok to say, then why can't you say 'The S Word'?"